Listen by Kathryn Mannix
“We offer more consolation by holding a lost hand in a dark place than by shouting instructions from the safety of the light. “
3 Main Messages:
Conversations are like a dance where we have to mirror and match each other.
Listening provides a space. It is ‘being with’, not ‘doing to’.
By asking open questions we can bridge gaps and support people in their understanding.
Daily life requires us to have difficult conversations. These might be with a child always wondering ‘why’, with a friend around a misunderstanding, or a colleague who requires uncomfortable feedback in order to grow. As a School Leader, I felt like I was having ‘delicate conversations’ daily. Some were with parents who didn’t like the school rules or sanctions when applied to their child, others were with employees who needed feedback in order to improve.
Many of my coaching clients, and those I work with who are new to leadership, cite ‘difficult conversations’ as the thing they struggle with most in their roles. After all, we were raised being told “If you can’t say something positive, don’t say anything at all.” We worry that we will offend, that we might not be liked as a result and that we will cause unnecessary distress.
Imagine now that these conversations are telling people that they have a terminal illness or that their partner, parent or child has died. ‘Difficult’ doesn’t even begin to cover it. Yet there are those in the Police, the Armed Forces and in hospitals who give this news on a daily basis. These conversations require great compassion and skill: knowing which words to use, how to respond and answer questions and how best to support the recipient of this dreadful message. It is from these professionals that we can learn the art of delivering what Kathryn Mannix calls ‘tender conversations.’
The word ‘tender’ implies that sensitivity is needed. That we need to act carefully and that the situation is delicate and fragile. There are no words which can soothe such news and Mannix writes clearly about the importance of providing space and companionship for grief to be felt, while emphasising the message that talking about death does not prevent it.
The book ‘Listen’ is split into 3 sections which address how to initiate tender conversations, how to elicit and manage change, and how to build bridges in conversations to allow for full understanding. Mannix likens these conversations to a waltz: question, question, summary, question, question, check, in order to guide the recipient through their emotions, ensure understanding and move at their pace.
When ‘opening the box’ Mannix explains how to:
Accept without judgement
Value silences
Check for understanding
Accept that this isn’t simple
Accept that emotions will be high
Know that you don’t need to know what to say
Tender conversations are, Mannix writes: “Offering a safe place to suffer,” and this often means offering silence, companionship and a listening ear when there is nothing useful to be said. Mannix also explores the enemies of true listening, which are:
Interrupting
Telling your own story
Offering advice
Over-identifying
Trying to minimise distress
Trying to fix the situation
Making assumptions
All of which are relevant in any scenario and great barriers to the speaker feeling able to freely share their thoughts and feelings.
Throughout the book, Mannix shares stories of when she has delivered tender messages well and is keenly honest and humble in sharing the mistakes she has unintentionally made along the way. She also tells detailed and engaging stories of Samaritans, Teachers, Parents, Doctors, Counsellors, Social Workers and family members which demonstrate the skilled way that these conversations can be broached with compassion. Each provides the reader with examples of questions to ask and approaches to take. The stories are heartrending. They tell of people at their lowest moments, receiving the worst news; the tragedies of life that we try to ignore but ultimately cannot avoid.
Mannix writes about the importance of connection and compassion. She points out the need for safe spaces in public buildings such as schools and hospitals for those receiving bad news. She shares links for further reading and to websites offering support.
It’s interesting that we tend to spend so much time planning on what we need to say when having difficult/delicate/tender conversations. Actually, as Mannix shows, the best thing we can do in daily life is ask questions, answer honestly and just listen.
