Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before? by Dr. Julie Smith

“Courage comes first. Confidence comes second.”

3 Main Messages:

1, The connection between our body and our brain is strong and we need to learn about and look after them both. 

2, Our view of every situation is coloured by our history, emotions, opinions, interpretations and judgements. Our view is therefore not fact. 

3, Artists step back frequently to view the big picture and so must we.

This book was recommended to me by a former colleague who is perhaps the most emotionally intelligent, empathetic and reflective person I know. She told me that, as a result of reading it, she had strengthened her metacognition and was becoming more aware of the thoughts she was having and then unpicking these thoughts to understand what might be behind them.

With such high praise, I was excited to read and learn from Dr Julie Smith so I ordered the book and immediately began to read. Initially, however, I was incredibly disappointed. I found that, despite the promise of the title, people actually HAD told me some of this before. 

Much of the first chapter focuses on how we can notice and take control of our low moods. Smith suggests journaling, mindfulness, exercise and coaching as a way to unpick our thought biases such as making assumptions about others, overgeneralization, egocentric thinking and emotional reasoning. She suggests that we learn to ask ourselves about the stories we are telling ourselves and to try to see situations through the eyes of others. 

Much of this is embedded in the coaching training and practice which I have been developing over the last year. The concepts written about in the book, therefore, were not new to me; the skills and habits being suggested are those that I am continually striving to build in myself. I worried that this book might simply replicate themes already covered in my other reading, but as I read on I was pleasantly proved wrong and incredibly impressed. 

Smith writes about low moods, motivation (and the lack of it), emotional pain, grief, self-doubt, fear and stress. Underpinning all of these is metacognition - or as she describes it: “thoughts about your thoughts.”

“Thoughts are not facts. They are a mix of opinions, judgements, stories, memories, theories, interpretations and predictions about the future.” Rather than accept our thoughts as a factual representation of a situation, Smith gives us tools to unpick and understand these thoughts, our negative bias and to explore different perspectives. 

When there are parts of our body that are not functioning as they should, they might not be life-ending but they are certainly life-limiting and so we go see a medical specialist to get them fixed. Dr Julie Smith, in this book writes about how we can address the areas of our mental faculties which are not functioning as they should; how we can take control of them and do something about them so that we can live the life that we want to live. 

During my daily morning walks, I frequently find that my mind flits, dances and jumps around, often landing in a familiar quagmire of emotions around old unsolved problems. Learning from Smith’s teachings in the book, I started practising some of her techniques. Similarly, when procrastinating and becoming distracted at work, I have now practised some of the suggestions which Smith makes in order to maintain self control.

They work! I cannot give a higher recommendation for a book than that! To be able to notice our thoughts, question our biases and step back from them in order to gain perspective gives us much more control and allows us to identify areas which need ‘fixing’. It is a real super strength, and one which we can all develop by following the guides presented here. 

Smith suggests that we learn to consider our attention as a spotlight and understand that we are able to direct that spotlight. We can choose what we want to think about and develop curiosity around the emotions that different situations invoke in us, then develop a deeper understanding of why we think the way we do and, perhaps, change. 

Smith writes that “emotions are your brain’s attempt to explain and add meaning.” Like Brené Brown, she suggests that we develop emotional vocabulary so that we are fully able to understand what we are feeling and why. Our emotions are valid but Smith tells us: “just as thoughts are not facts, feelings are not facts either.” Just because you feel hurt does not mean that someone intended to hurt you. 

While reading this book, I was aware of how much better my leadership in previous roles would have been, had I read and understood this first. Smith writes about getting the basics right and also about how to work through and support others with grief, how to make stress work for you and how to build confidence. 

It is a handbook for the brain and for relationships and I can honestly say that it has impacted and improved my thinking and empathy skills. When I think of my former colleague and how she will be applying these skills and teaching them to the staff, students and parents in her school, it fills me with optimism, inspiration and pride. 

If I can persuade only a few people to read and learn from the practices in this book, then I know that I too, might send out some positive ripples to improve lives and help us understand ourselves and each other a little better.