Supercommunicators by Charles Duhigg
“We want to learn how the people around us see the world and help them understand our perspectives in turn”
3 Main Messages:
Communicating is all about listening to what is being said and what is being left unsaid.
By asking more questions we build trust and understanding.
Communication is improved by slowing it down.
Bearing in mind the fact that humans have been communicating since the year dot, one would be forgiven for thinking we might have mastered the practice by now. With increasing online communication and multitudes of distractions, however, it seems that we are actually getting worse. Perhaps this is because we assume that communicating means speaking, when in fact, as Charles Duhigg explains, it really means listening more.
Duhigg describes supercommunicators as people who are “capable of connecting with almost anyone”. This book explains how they ask good questions, listen carefully, master the art of challenging conversations, match others in conversations so that others feel heard, and how to master the art of negotiation. It’s a ‘how to’ of communication that everyone needs to read.
The basic premise of the book is that there are three different types of conversation:
What’s this really about?
How do we feel?
Who are we?
A good communicator will listen carefully to understand what kind of conversation is taking place, learn to hear what is being said and what is being left unsaid and then match the energy of the person talking. In other words, they will make the person feel really heard.
We know that good communicators ask lots of questions and Duhigg gives some great suggestions throughout the book which will open conversations up, by asking more open ended questions and questions which delve further into emotions, thus allowing the speaker to share and be a little more vulnerable.
Some of the instructions for basic social interactions can, on first read, seem fairly obvious and self explanatory, but those who find polite conversation challenging would benefit from some of the tips, questions and suggestions here. There are also models and examples for how to show that we are listening during more difficult negotiations, and guides for how to slow down communication in order to prevent escalation by building understanding and compromise.
There are also questions to be incorporated in order to build connection: in an experiment shared in the book, the Fast Friends Procedure explains how a project by Elaine and Arthur Aron sought to create a “practical methodology for creating closeness”. They devised The 36 Questions which they believe people should discuss in order to become closer. The experiment was very successful and this methodology has been proved to forge strong bonds between participants. Perhaps something to be considered when building teams too?
Throughout the book, the emphasis is on listening and forging connections between people, whether professionally or personally. As Duhigg himself writes: “Whether we call it love, or friendship, or simply having a great conversation, achieving connection - authentic, meaningful connection - is the most important thing in life.” I certainly wouldn’t argue with that - it’s about time we started to get really good at it!
