The Courage To Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga
“For a human being, the greatest unhappiness is not being able to like oneself”
3 Main Messages:
The water in the well is always the same temperature, it just feels different because of outside conditions
We need to discard other people’s tasks
Healthy inferiority is comparison with one’s ideal self
A slightly misleading title. Actually this book is less about having the courage to be disliked by others, and more about having the courage to like yourself. However, as the book goes on to explain, perhaps these are one and the same thing!
The thinking in the book is based on Alfred Adler’s philosophical and psychological ideas and teachings and is told in the form of a dialogue between a philosopher and a young man. At times clunky, the long explanations are broken up by rhetorical questions which add a little variation in the text and provide pause for the reader in order to reflect and ruminate on complex ideas.
A great emphasis is placed on the concept of personal narrative: that it is not our experiences which matter, but the meaning that we give to them. The example is given of the temperature of the water in a well, which remains constant; it tastes tepid or cold however, in contrast to the air above. In the same way each action and experience can be interpreted in different ways, depending on the person, circumstances and timing.
Another central idea is that we are all interconnected and connected with the earth. In this light all problems are interpersonal problems and it is our role to try not to hurt or be hurt. The philosopher suggests that we develop self reliance in order to live in harmony. Comparison is only healthy when it is in comparison with one’s ideal self as another other comparison contains subjective interpretation.
Other concepts which are explored include the need for us to discard the tasks of others; understanding where the centre of our world is; and how to live in earnest in the here and now. In the same vein as the teachings of the Stoics, the message is that life is not linear, but a series of moments and so we must “shine a bright spotlight on here and now.”
The idea of the necessity of being disliked sits uncomfortably with me, as the implication is a lack of empathy or care for others. However the philosopher explains that we run the risk of living an inauthentic and unhappy life if we are always completing someone else’s tasks or being successful in the eyes of others. The aim, therefore, is not to seek to be disliked or dislikable, but by being true to ourselves, the side effect is that we will inevitably displease others. And we have to be okay with that.
As the conversation progresses, the young man shows doubt and asks questions which represent the possible responses and thoughts of the reader. This feels a little forced at times, and perhaps a little of the fluidity is lost in translation from the original Japanese text. The messages, however, are thought-provoking and I have found myself still reflecting on them weeks later.
As the authors write: “The courage to be happy also includes the courage to be disliked. When you have gained that courage, your interpersonal relationships will all at once change into things of lightness.” And so, the goal is not to be disliked, but to be comfortable with being disliked by others in order that we can like ourselves, because “for a human being, the greatest unhappiness is not being able to like oneself”.
