Daring Greatly by Brené Brown
“Only when we’re brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
3 Main Messages:
We all cover shame with learned behaviour
Vulnerability is uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure
To be wholehearted is to have courage, compassion and connection
I recently listened to a brilliant interview with Dawn French on the Happy Place Podcast about her new book The Tw*t Files, for which the strap line is ‘A life of mistakes, no regrets.’ She talked about the mistakes and embarrassing moments of her life which she wants to own and share - not to celebrate, but to admit that to err is to be human and that owning our mistakes removes the associated shame.
Brené Brown says that “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy and creativity,” which sounds pretty great! She argues that we think of vulnerability as a weakness but it is actually the antidote to being a “prisoner of pleasing, performing and perfecting”, and so is a way of being incredibly strong. She also writes here that “In order to be vulnerable, we need to develop resilience to shame.” So how do we do this?
Daring Greatly is a book which explores our fear of vulnerability; how we protect ourselves from it; the price we are paying; and how to own and engage with vulnerability in order to transform and improve our lives.
Brown begins by exploring the concept of scarcity in our lives today: the feeling that we never have enough energy, sleep, money, time, friends… the list is endless. We live in a comparison culture where we are able to witness the manicured lives that others portray and then view our own lives less favourably. She argues that shame and comparison lead to disengagement and a blame culture.
Where many confuse being vulnerable with weakness, Brown suggests that to be open, honest and wholehearted is incredibly brave. Real relationships and true connection are built on trust, and “trust is a product of vulnerability that grows over time and requires work, attention and full engagement.”
At the heart of the book is a huge chapter on shame: exploring where it comes from and how to combat it. Brown introduces the ‘Gremlin Ninja Warrior Training’, which is to:
Recognise shame and know its triggers
Practise critical awareness
Reach out
Speak shame
In other words, as Dawn French suggests: we have to own our shame and share it in order to take away its power and build connections with others.
Afterall, we are all seeking connection with others and a sense of belonging, so naming and sharing our shame stories with people we trust is a way of bringing people closer. “Empathy is connection. It’s a ladder out of the shamehole.”
In the second half of the book, Brown delves into what shame culture looks like in the workplace and shares excellent questions which can be used in any school, office or company to unpick and mend a culture of shame. She looks at the art of feedback and how we need to show up in order to be able to both give and receive feedback for improvement.
Wholehearted parenting is also explored and, as ever, the entire book is peppered with entertaining anecdotes and deeply personal stories. Brown shares where she has made mistakes and the lessons that she has learned. So this is a book for parents, for leaders, for anyone who wants to live more honestly and happily.
It’s a book which teaches us how to live ‘a life of mistakes, no regrets,’ and accept that - like Dawn French - we all behave like tw*ts sometimes!
